


The way down

by Doii



Category: Gundam Wing
Genre: And Assholes, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, They can be stupid
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-28
Updated: 2019-11-04
Packaged: 2021-01-05 16:16:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 18,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21211454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Doii/pseuds/Doii
Summary: Duo is struggling with his past, his secrets, his feelings towards his war comrades and the relationship between Heero and Trowa, leading him all the way down.





	1. The struggle

**Author's Note:**

> This is a past Duo/Heero and Trowa/Quatre, present Heero/Trowa, Future? (it is only divided in two parts, so you will found out soon haha).
> 
> Another thing I wrote ages ago, and I'm now posting here, just like precogmare, and yep, I had a thing for Duo's angst and secrecy.

I cursed when my trembling hand didn’t allowed me to close the door as silently as I wanted. I cannot let the guys see me like this. Shit, I seriously fucked it up today. I focused on not facing it just yet. First, the safety of my room, then shower, there we can see… 

‘Duo?’ A voice startled me, and fuck if it wasn't the person I less want to see right now. Luckily there's no light on the hall.

‘yeah, it's me, sorry I woke you,’ I yawned. ‘Man, I'm beat. See you tomorrow!’

He grunted and closed the door to their room. I walked to mine, closing the door as well, I continued to the bathroom inside and closed that door too. Only then I let my body rest against the wall, turning the lights on and facing the mess I've become. Fuck. My jacket was badly torn, covered by dirt and blood, big chunks of the arm gone. Behind my bangs, my forehead was still slowly dripping blood, luckily, it fell on my jacket too, so I won't have to worry about leaving stains on the floor the guys can see. 

Undressing was painful, but shit, what wasn't painful anymore? Dramatic but truthful. I turned on the water and stepped into the shower, not doing anything until the pink faded from the falling water. Then I scrubbed my wounds merciless. I seriously went crazy this time, what the fuck was wrong with me? Sure, I’ve noted I'm fucked up, somehow worse than before. I know why, I'm not oblivious. I also noticed I’ve been more reckless than usual and even plainly self-harmful. I may be a bit suicidal, and have serious self-destructive tendencies. But this was new. It scared me a bit how it did help. I hoped not to make an habit of it. I have a series of bad habits already. 

I dried my body and cured my wounds properly, and then just crashed in my bed, letting the memories overpower me again. This time it hurt less. That's why I know it worked, and that's why I'm scared.

Where to begin? Well, you know the drill. Horny teenager meets hot guy during the war. Horny teenager is hardly innocent, so he just wanted a nice fuck with that amazing product of humanity, but hot guy had a different idea. Somehow, it seemed like a miracle to me back then, hot guy wanted me too. However, he wanted all of me, not a quick fuck, not a slow hot night, no, all of me. Why? Shit, dunno, he implied he loved me, eventually he even said it. I guess he just needed to have the control of the situation, after all we are soldiers, he had the worst possible training. Anyway. Hot guy dedicated his time to break me, honestly break me. Did I need that? Fuck no. Did I wanted that? A hundred percent no. Was I a good boy and told him that? Hell yeah. 

I almost begged Heero to stop, not to make this something emotional, not to figure me out, not to make me open up and spill my fears and secrets. He didn't force me to say it all. But he went consistently making a mess of me until my walls crumbled. Despite all my defences I fell for him too. The agony of it, I cannot begin to describe. I lived panicked he’d die any moment. It was a short trip between heaven and hell made so often my tires where all worn. Then, he almost died many times, and in between those times, he chose Trowa. I clutched my chest to the pain in my memory, when it mixed with present hurt. 

When I discovered Heero had played me that well, god, the hate that consumed me was something new, and I’ve hated a lot. Why the fuck to mess with me, break me, just to change his mind so damned quick and fucking walk away into someone else? I’ve been abandoned before, clearly, but never betrayed. Damn it hurt. 

By the way, Trowa apparently had also played Quatre. Who was also completely broken when Heero and Trowa got together. But Quatre was truthful to his pain and emotions, he cried, he complained, Trowa just walked away. I don't know the details, I wasn't there, but that was enough for me. The only thing I’ve ever had is my dignity, I always put up the attitude of the guy who is just peachy, and nothing can bother. I never told Heero I loved him, I’d never do what Quatre did. I learned from his story, and I used the distance the war forced on us. The next time I saw them, I acted as if I gave shit about it. I treated them as what they were, my war comrades. I almost failed with my act once, when Heero clocked me out from the marimeia incident, leaving me in Trowa’s arms. 

After all that, I was ready to get the hell away from it all for a loooong time. But Quatre is two great things, my friend, and a masochist. What did he do? He coerced us into living together in one of his houses while we settled down after the war. Why on earth would he want to live with Trowa and Heero? No fucking idea. Yet, I couldn't leave him alone. I understood his pain too well. So we moved in together. That's pretty much when things started to completely fuck up for me. 

I became close friends with Wufei, my partner in preventers. I kept being super close with Quatre and eventually understood why he asked us to stay together. We also remained all team work and close acquaintances with the other two. Wufei the only one who knew nothing and thus befriended us all pretty much the same way until our partnership developed. 

I never stayed alone with Heero in a room again. I never talked to him about what happened. I never told anyone how much it hurts me to see them together. How much I hate he made me wish, believe and hope for love; just to take it all away, leaving me even more deprived of what I was before. I never told Wufei or Quatre a thing, and they never noticed. That much of a good actor I am.

But eventually, living together, I had no way out. My coverage started slipping, so I resorted to old damaging mechanisms. If before Heero I had rough sex with random partners every now and then, just for pleasure, thrill, and to keep the memories alive, never forgetting why I fought. Well, now I’d go and seduce the boy or girl, I don't really care, of the dangerous thug who owns the shady club where I go to dance. Why? Because I get sex filled with adrenaline, and then a fight, sometimes even a shooting. And I crave for it. I find release for my anger, my frustration, my pain, my sex need, and I manage to forget for a few seconds and keep the mask on.

Problem? With time that wasn't enough. So I went looking for troublesome gangs to fight more, I used drugs that had barely any effect on me just to piss of the dealers and fight some more, I went into prostitution rings and avoided paying and so on. At the end of the day I also helped law enforcement, as I disbanded gangs, dealers, and the bastards forcing the boys and girls to have sex and gain money for them. But I was being stupid. I still am. Drugs and alcohol have little effect on me, but depending on drug and dosage, they have some. 

This time I took it too far though. I was driving my bike back home. I was speeding, as usual, no helmet, as usual, the wind, the adrenaline helped me to control and forget. But suddenly I got a vivid flashback of when that morning I walked into Heero and Trowa sexually stimulating each other at breakfast time. I froze, I hurt, I thought it was a good idea to stand on my bike and close my eyes while going full speed. There was a turn I didn't see. Both bike and I went down a hill. I could've died. The most upsetting part though, was how much relief the thought made me feel, way less burdened, but also, that the first and only reason why I thought I was being stupid was because of Quatre and Wufei. Not me.

-o-

I woke up earlier than everyone this time, and walked straight to the garage. I needed to clean and fix my bike before the guys could see it. Then, glad no one was awake yet, and that it was a cold day that justified long sleeves, I went for another drive. I needed to think. 

I came back for lunch time, having clarified shit. But if I wasn’t here today it’d be hell for Quatre. Wufei is away on a mission, and having lunch alone with Heero and Trowa doesn't sound appealing. He is too polite to make a fake commitment and run the hell away from the house whenever that happens. I get he wants to show Trowa they can be friends despite all, I know he regrets how he reacted and wishes to bring his dignity back, and I know he still wishes deep inside. I think my beloved friend is too sweet and naive. But aren't we all still just kids? It fucks me up, sometimes, feeling this raw and drained, when I need the commander's signature to show is legal for me to drive. 

-o-

That night, Quatre and I went to one of his dinners. As the head of the Winner empire he is surrounded by these activities. I hate them, but I’m good at pretending, enjoy free food and drinks, can dance and make people spill secrets easily. So I usually act as Quatre’s friend, bodyguard, partner and secretary in these occasions. 

However, with how I've been feeling lately, I just cannot do more than hate all this falseness. So I did my part, but by midnight I was almost desperate for something, release, fun, oblivion, fucking something. I knew I couldn’t drink my weight in alcohol, or I’d embarrass Quatre. So I flirted with one of the other posh kids. Suffice to say after an hour I wasn't bored anymore, au contraire, I was quite relaxed. Also, Quatre was the only one who noticed, and only scowled at me from far away. We’ll have a talk as soon as we get home, I guess, but for now I can continue in this place. 

-o-

‘God Duo, what were you thinking?’ He growls, but I can see he is more concerned than angry. He doesn't like my habit of sleeping around all that much. Not like he judges or anything, but he believes I deserve more. Pffff yeah, right. That's how I know he loves me, and how fairy-tale-ish he is. Because if I was sleeping around with no more reason than to have fun, I’d be perfectly fine, but well.

‘I was bored, and no one besides you noticed’, he sighed, defeated. 

‘I know, but he isn't good enough for you’, I blinked at him in shock and then laughed until my eyes teared up.

‘Quatre, that was literally, just fucking around. No love declarations or anything like that.’ His eyes narrowed considering my words with a mixture of relief and disgust that had me laughing again.

‘What’s so funny?’ Wufei asked while opening the door, obviously coming from work. My laughter died when I saw Trowa and Heero getting in the room. 

‘I was gonna ask the same’, Trowa said.

‘Duo slept with the child of the senator of L7 in the formal dinner we just had’, Quatre said with a scowl. Damn, this is one of the times when I regret I never told him. 

‘You what?’ Wufei asked, clearly shocked.

‘I was bored, we started flirting, we just went for some fun. I had no idea Quatre hates that kid, and it's not like I liked him. Just wanted to do something less boring.’ 

‘So you slept with someone you barely know?’

‘He does it almost every dinner we attend together, unless he is concerned about me being alone surrounded by all those vultures’, I wanted to smack Quatre, but at the same time, this helped to make it clear to Heero how over what we had I was. I guess.

‘That’s a dangerous habit Maxwell’, Wufei said, looking pointedly at me. His concern had me baffled enough that I just didn’t had it in me to be angry. 

‘I always wear a condom sweetheart. I promise’, he lifted an eyebrow as if my promise wasn’t good enough, and it just hit me how naive Wufei could also be. Damn my friends and their protected childhoods. We were all war terrorists for fucks’ sake. ‘It’s ok ‘Fei. Never been overpowered by any of my one-night-stands. Or their lovers, partners, bosses…’ I added for some extra emphasis, for some reasons, he looked even more unhappy. 

‘I don’t judge you. I just care you don’t do anything dangerous.’ 

‘Well, it’s not like I can let anyone pregnant, I don’t get ill or any sort of disease, I use protection, and I never forget I’m a soldier, not even in the middle of it. No need to worry so much. It’s just relief for a perfectly normal’, he smirked at me, asshole. ‘Fine, maybe highly horny young adult. And no, I don’t do it at work, so no office drama or whatever.’ 

‘Do you get tested?’

‘Every six months by our personal doctor. The same as you and any other preventer does.’

‘Fine then’, he said, finally releasing me and walking to hang is jacket. I followed him with my eyes, as I felt Heero’s stare burning me, but I refused to acknowledge it. He had no reason to question me, to care for me, not about this. I had fucking seen him touching Trowa, even after he said he loved me. I never offered anything like that to him. I was always very open about my sex life, what I wanted and how. He was the one who decided not to listen to me, to take more of what I could give and then just… 

I bit my lip to distract the pain in my chest. Better not to go there. They could notice my tension, my mask could slip, Trowa and Heero may feel my rage. No. Better not to go there. So in an act of, I don’t know, self-punishment? stupidity? masochism? bravery? I glanced at them when Wufei walked past the door they had just came in, and I faced the saddest expression I ever had in Heero’s eyes. I can only thank my permanently activated actor skills for not reacting to my shock. What the fuck does he want from me? Who the hell does he think he is? Sad? He has no fucking right to pity me, I don’t need it either. I was fine with this life style before he came to ruin it all. I hoped the bastard didn’t have some macho complex, you know, the one that makes them believe that because they came inside you, you are marked as some sort of possession. Now that’d be a definite turn off. But somehow, that doesn’t fit the image I had on him. But well, what do I know? I believed him when he said he loved me, I fell for it, maybe I fell for the whole act. Still, I didn’t give him the pleasure of reacting to his antics, and with a full power grin I went after Wufei, demanding he told me all about his mission. Quatre, bless him, only huffed and followed me. I could just hope everyone in the room missed Heero’s look. 

-o-

I complained all the way home, I complained while we were making dinner and I complained some more as I changed into my tux. None of it convinced Wufei who had decided we were going to the formal dinner Preventers had organised to celebrate some sort of anniversary. 

‘Fei I hate these things, I really do.’ 

‘It’s part of our duties as members of the organization.’

‘I don’t want to go, I hate those people and have nothing to talk about with them. If you take me there I’ll be bored and do something stupid.’

‘You’ll do nothing of the sorts as they are your bosses and colleagues.’ 

‘I don’t care about them.’

‘Sara, Joan and Mike will be devastated to hear that.’

‘Who are Sara, Joan and Mike?’ Trowa asked when walking into the room. 

‘The three archivists of Preventers. They love Duo, as in ‘in love’ with him.’ 

‘And I love them too but I don’t want to go to that damned dinner.’ 

‘They’ll be there.’

‘So what? I see them at the office every day.’

‘Jock will be there too.’

‘Who’s Jock?’ Quatre asked this time, taking a seat in my bed with amused eyes. 

‘Another Preventer, he is always following Duo around and they get along pretty well.’

‘Only because he has a nice ass. But I cannot sleep with someone from Preventers.’

‘You are damned right you cannot.’ 

‘Then don’t take me to the party. I’ll get bored and when I’m bored I sleep with random people.’ 

‘Doesn’t that make you sound like a whore?’ Heero came in. I felt rage surge, how dare he? I’m a responsible single adult having sex with other responsible single adults. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, he can take his prejudice and shove it right up his goddamn… I took a calming breath and stopped myself from breaking the mood by snapping at him. Instead, I kept the joking tone, despite how much I wanted to punch his obnoxious snarl.

‘Am I a whore if I don’t charge? It is just shared short-lived amusement.’ 

‘Can’t you be more serious?’ He sounded pissed, yeah right, because he took sex to heart, asshole. 

‘About sex? nah. Sex is to have fun, if not there’s no point in doing it. Having sex with work partners doesn’t end well. Most times they don’t get it’s just a few times deal. I hate drama’, I felt his calculative stare in my back, well suck it dude, I tried to tell you this much a long time ago. 

‘Let him believe that’, Quatre said, still amused. ‘It will change once he falls in love’, his voice dimmed at the end, as if realizing what he was saying and in front of whom. I took all the attention from his words by laughing until I had tears in my eyes. 

‘Oh Quat! That’s why I love you, you are so damned funny.’

‘Why?’

‘You just are. Ok ‘Fei, I’m ready, I still don’t want to go, but I guess I’ll just go party right after not to waste the whole evening.’ 

‘What will you do?’ Heero asked.

‘Whoring’, I said with a wink, and left the room while dragging Wufei from the hand. 

-o-

So, what do you think I did after the lame ass party? I went clubbing. I was done with all that stupid fake politeness. I wanted oblivion. Also, the stupid comments Heero made at home bugged me. I am well aware I’m not worth it, I don’t need his permanent reminder of how disposable I am. A good way of fighting that conception was to be desired, so badly desired that the person would go the miles for me, even if it was only lust, only until completion. 

I blame my stupidity entirely. I was so engrossed in my rage and avoiding all the things Heero’s comments made me feel, as I’ve been avoiding everything related to how Heero and Trowa make me feel, that I wasn’t paying much attention to the fucker I was to fuck that night. If my bells rang I didn’t mind them. I had drunk my weight in alcohol anyway. I ended in the flat of this dude, Alistair. We were in the middle of the fucking process, you know, my dick inside his tight ass, when he suddenly pulls a tiny box of pills from his drawer. 

‘What’s that?’

‘Something that makes you feel it ten times more’, he answered he a lustful smile. 

‘As in cumming for ages?’ I inquired, not fully understanding what he meant.

‘As in passing out from orgasm.’ Didn’t think it twice. Even if the shit had little effect on me it was worth trying. 

Now, I think I’ve mentioned before how drugs have little effect on me. Well, this one wasn’t like that. It was some fucked mix that hadn’t been part of my damn training. Did it make me faint with my orgasm? No, although it did it for Alistair. For me, weird ass effects of our training I guess, made me damned introspective and depressed. As I came I could only think of Heero. As I left the bed to take a shower I could only think of the first time I noticed Heero was now with Trowa, and his lame ass explanation, which actually was only a statement about now being honest and shit. As I showered I could only see the first time I walked into Heero and Trowa doing it. 

The drug made me think about things I didn’t want to, made me remember things I had blocked, and it was forcing me to face facts that I rather leave there to rot. To make it worse it didn’t stop there. It was like opening the damn box Pandora couldn’t keep closed. Suddenly all the things I had blocked were dancing around me. So, Heero didn’t love me, I was disposable, and Trowa had or either never known or never been my friend. But also, the people from the church had abandoned me, people in the streets, when I wasn’t more than a toddler had tried to use me and leave me, Solo had left me too. I wasn’t made for this love thing, that much I knew. I didn’t need the damned reminder. I didn’t want it. 

I left the shower with trembling hands, shallow breathing, and my chest feeling tight and oppressed. Fuck, I wanted the images in my head to stop. I’ve had my damned share of blood. I have nightmares about it more often than not. But this time it wasn’t like that. This time I was facing their smiles, the times they managed to break my shell and forced me to let them in. I wasn’t making that mistake again, fuck! Oh damn but it hurt. I didn’t wanted to hear Heero’s voice saying ‘I love you’, damned his lie. I didn’t wanted to feel Sister Helen’s hands on my hair, I didn’t want Solo’s reassuring presence in my back. 

I left that house in a hurry. I was half glad half annoyed I didn’t have my bike with me. I didn’t need another accident like last time, but damn I wanted speed, I wanted to get away from people, and definitely from that house were people who had broken me and people who still could do it awaited. I thought of Wufei. What if something happened to him? our amusing banter replayed in my head, I felt the comfort of his presence and I knew I was breaking my own vows by letting him come this close. I couldn’t, he is a damned Preventer for fucks sake. I thought of Quatre, and how much I had gotten used to our routine, our activities together, an understanding despite him not knowing it was mutual. What if someone attacked the head of Winner’s corporation? It wasn’t a foreign thought. It had happened before, Wufei and I had just reached in time to stop the bastards a couple of times. Heero and Trowa never knew about that of course. Quatre had forbidden us to mention a thing. Wufei took it as a matter of honour, I knew the real reason. Having the person you love not giving a shit about you after a stressful experience was not what anyone would want. 

God, I wanted the peace of being far away and alone, or hidden in my room. I couldn’t go for the first one, I didn’t have my bike and I could tell the signs of me on drugs were sort of evident. Besides I smelled badly of alcohol. So I just walked home. To make it worse it started raining. I’m damned sure by the time I arrived I looked like a drowned half drunk drugged rat. I didn’t even try to go on stealth mode to my room. I was dizzy and my memories were becoming hallucinations with all the strength they were taking. I was just going to embarrass myself if I tried. I just hoped the guys would be away running, or in their room fucking, or whatever. But as the world hates me, of course they were all in the living room to see me arrive a complete mess. It almost made me laugh, but the flashback of that rare smile Heero would give me every now and then only made me groan. 

‘Duo? Wufei!’ Quatre called, I winced. The name brought memories of the last dangers we had faced together, a camaraderie it was safer to abandon. ‘Duo, are you alright?’ a hand touched me, I recoiled away. 

‘Sure, just need my bed.’ It sounded a bit slurry. I blinked a couple of times to clear my head. 

‘Shit, he is freezing’, the hand was back. ‘Duo?’ I recognized the voice, Heero, I tried to free myself again. A new hand replaced it, this time with a stronger grip. Wufei. 

‘Maxwell’, he commanded. ‘Look at me’, I faced those dark eyes that tried to assess me. ‘You are drugged’, he whispered, and sounded surprised, for some reason it made me laugh. Maybe it would disappoint him, disappointed people just walked away. ‘Maxwell… Status!’ He barked. 

‘Drugged with unknown substance, it has been in my system for about three hours, effects worsening increasingly. Mixed with alcohol, but it was drank hours before. About four hours ago I was slightly drunk’, I answered by training command, before I could stop myself. ‘Also I’m soaking wet. Damned rain. I had just showered when it started.’ 

‘Just showered?’ A voice echoed. 

‘Were you with someone?’

‘Yeah, Alistair, he gave me the drug. It wasn’t supposed to have this effect though’, Heero’s hands gripped my shoulders harshly, forcing me to face him. I felt Shinigami stir up. 

‘What effect?’

‘Don’t fucking touch me’, I mastered, in the coldest tone available. ‘I said bed. I’ll sleep it off. Now don’t bug me’, and walked away as dignified as only Shinigami could make me in a time like this. It took me a lot to fall asleep though, and in all that time, all I could do was to relive what I didn’t want to see. 

-o-

I woke up in time for dinner, and despite feeling nausea I decided it was wiser to just go and face the guys. They were obviously waiting for me. 

‘Finally…’ Quatre whispered, I fidgeted. 

‘Yeah, Sorry about that. I was on a bad trip.’ 

‘Who’s Alistair?’ Wufei questioned with a harsh tone, he was definitely unhappy with me. 

‘The dude I met yesterday.’ 

‘Had you met him before?’ Quatre asked, trying to soothe. It didn’t really favoured me this time.

‘No, why?’

‘Then why the fuck did you take some drug he gave you?’ Wufei practically exploded.

‘Most times they don’t have any effect on me, I got curious’, I shrugged, trying to take the importance of it away. It didn’t work. 

‘Curious?’ Wufei practically squalled. He was going to deck me. 

‘Yeah, I already know it was a bad idea. But it looked worse of what it was because of the rain and the smell of alcohol. It wasn’t all that bad.’ 

‘Wasn’t all that bad?’ He echoed.

‘Wufei you heard me. I can see you disapprove my behaviour. Don’t worry, I don’t intend to take that drug again.’ 

‘Only that drug?’ A rage hard to be controlled filled me at Heero’s interruption. My emotions were harder to keep controlled after that damned drug. It was only after a huge effort I mastered to look as if he hadn’t touch any fiber in me. 

‘I get curious sometimes. So yeah, I’ll keep doing as I see fit.’ 

‘That’s dangerous.’ 

‘Depends on who and what you are talking about. Drugs are no biggie for me. But if it bother you I can make sure you won’t find out when I do it.’ His eyes hardened. 

‘So you take drugs regularly?’

‘That’s how I assess what they are and their components. I was trained for that, and drugs never had much effect on me. I mean, you hadn’t realized in all these years. So it’s clear I know what I’m doing. I don’t do it just for the fun of it and I’m not hooked.’

‘With how much you drink, I’m doubting it’, he said with a mocking tone. 

‘Pfff, this is nothing. I have high tolerance to alcohol too. I’ve been drinking since I was damned born and I still do it when and how much I want it, not because of need. The only thing I need sometimes is sex. But don’t worry, that need of mine won’t bugger anyone in this house. Now, if it is too much trouble for you, I’m ready to move out.’ He sneered at me, the bastard actually sneered at me. 

‘And where would you go?’ He asked, crossing his arms in his chest.

‘I have my own flat between this place and preventers. I’ve owned it since we moved in here’ He seemed surprised by the fact. 

‘Where?’

‘Not your business I’m afraid. But Wufei knows the place. Truth be told, I don’t see the need to keep all living together. I can do it. I’m ok with it. But if I’m going to be scolded for being a young adult and do whatever the hell I please I better go back to my independent self. If I didn’t allowed my parents to do this shit to me, I won’t allow it to you.’ 

‘Your parents?’ Quatre seemed surprised by the comment. 

‘It was only a comment Quat. I have no parents, you know it.’ 

‘Never had them?’ Wait a minute, why are we talking of this?

‘No. Why is this even a topic? Whatever, I should eat something and sleep to be back at work as soon as the commander calls, or on Monday. So, I know how to pass by on my own. No need for any of your concern. New drug, I learned the lesson, don’t make a fuss’, I walked away feeling uncomfortable. That had been weird. I mean, it’s quite obvious none of us has families, only Quatre, and he is an orphan too. Maybe I’m over sensitive after all the memories and shit, but it bugged me too. 

Fine, I’ll admit that everything kind of bugs me now. I’m not in the happiest moment of my life. But I also knew that as restless as I was, going for some sex now would be a bad idea. It’d go against the image of my control over the situation. Instead, I called the sweepers. 

‘Where are you going?’ Wufei asked cautiously as I took the bike keys. 

‘With the sweepers. Don’t worry daddy, I’ll behave today. No drugs, no sex, only a ride, some cards, maybe I’ll masturbate once I’m back, pretty simple.’ 

‘Ugh Duo, no need to know that much’, I laughed and waved my goodbye then. I didn’t want him asking any more questions. The sweepers were in the next town. It was a 4 hours drive that I intended to transform in 1,5 max. As long as I don’t crash I’ll be fine. 

-o-

Ok, so, do you remember how I said to Wufei no drugs and no sex? Well I didn’t say shit about alcohol. With these guys we always drink a fucking lot. Of course they had no idea I came all the way from the next city, or that I was driving, and they offered me to stay as usual. But I was too busy being an idiot. I just wanted to drive back. Nevertheless, I stopped to enjoy the cold wind, which helped me to clear my head, and had a sudden urgency to see the ocean. It was a small modification to the route. I could be there in time to see the sun rise. 

I blame what happened on the after effects of the damn drug. I still could see those bloody images, those memories and shattered dreams. I was still quite depressed, bloody introspective and I wanted a getaway so badly that I was considering breaking the word I gave to Wufei. Heero’s attitude lately was making me feel… restless. I didn’t like it. 

And it happened that the damn sky was so fucking blue, and the ocean down the cliff was this particularly dark tone of blue that plagued both my dreams and nightmares, and suddenly I looked at the distance and I saw a change of colours. I could see the river coming into the see, guess what? The fucking river had this shitty bright green colour. Even nature was leaving me out. When, really, when do you fucking see purple in all of this? 

I started remembering the overwhelming sensation of drowning in Heero’s eyes, when the way he looked at me was so damn deep that I felt he was reading my bare soul. I wanted to drown. The ocean was there… I may have jumped. I was only aware of reality again when the freezing water entered my lungs and my head hit the base of the mountain. The adrenaline made me fight for my life. For a moment I felt like me again. This invincible little shit that could fight fucking everything. I guess only that strength brought me back to the surface. By the time I made it back to my bike it was noon, I was dehydrated, my throat was dry and raw with salt, and I had discovered the effect of life threatening experiences beyond missions. Not only some little risk, a tiny fight here and there, no, proper adrenaline jump by coming to greet Shinigami directly. I had fucking loved it.

-o-

Of course I was a complete mess once back in the sand, so exhausted and freaking wet that no way I was arriving home like this, not after yesterday’s trip. Instead, I decided I could just message Quatre and let myself think a bit better about all this. Between my bike accident not so long ago and the fear I felt then to this… freedom. Adrenaline was pouring in my veins in a way I hadn’t felt since the war, since that small window of time when I felt something akin to hope. Even better, this hope couldn’t be broken, it couldn’t leave me or betray me. If it failed me I’d be dead, and then there’d be no need to worry about it anymore. It was a dangerous game, but damn, that’s the only kind I ever learned to play. I was a damn disposable street rat after all, why not embrace it? Was it surprising that I felt completely at ease once I took that decision? I guess I had been struggling with myself, trying to do the right thing for a world that never understood me, I was just hurting myself. It was better to be me, and the truth is that I’m a fucked up kid who grew in the streets learning love is a tool for manipulation or a short-lived dream, one I don’t deserve and that leaves me every time more and more damaged. I wanted to be good for Heero, but he hadn’t been good to me. I was done with taking the act so seriously into my personal life. Oh, I’ll keep my act in front of them, all of them. But I’d made sure they were protected from my past and from the real me by putting this eternal barrier between us. This Duo Maxwell, the surviving little shit always racing against death, that’d be my eternal secret, together with my love for that damn Heero Yuy, my curse, my time in the church and my life with Solo in the streets. I had plenty of secrets already, one more wouldn’t kill me. 

-o-

I made it back home way later than expected, but Quatre had been warned so no one was surprised. Wufei directed me a scrutinizing glance, but seemed pleased of what he found and spare me any questions. Well, I looked tired, but damn satisfied and content at the same time. 

‘So, were you able to keep it in as you promised Wufei last night? Or that’s the explanation for your delay today?’ And there it goes my good mood. Damn Heero, why is he trying to bait me now? I really felt like punching the asshole, instead I laughed outright as if I found his damn joke amusing to no end. 

‘Nah, I was a good boy. I just hadn’t catch up with the sweepers in a while’, I believe I saw some satisfaction in the back of his eyes, but smashed that thought as soon as it started. I thought I had seen many things in Heero, that I had understood him… and yeah, I had known nothing. I’d never assume anything about him ever again. I just laughed some more and let the topic die. Instead, I turned my attention to help with lunch. 

-o-

Life in the house became easier then somehow. It wasn’t a burden to be around Trowa and Heero anymore, although sometimes the new me seemed to bother Heero to no end. He started to suddenly appear in the living room when I was there alone and made sharp comments about whatever I was doing or planning to do. It was suddenly damn easy to smile at him and dismiss what in the past would’ve hurt me. I had also found the energy in me to motivate Quatre to get over Trowa, and I introduced my dear friend to clubbing. Not to the shady places I’d go to find my adrenaline fucks, but to safer and quieter clubs where we wouldn’t find ourselves in the middle of a fight between drug cartels or prostitution rings. A place that if the press found out, wouldn’t embarrass him or damage his reputation. 

I was also doing great with work, more successful mission with no collateral damage than ever before. When Wufei wasn’t there it was even better. I could take the damn risk and enjoy the adrenaline without needing to worry about his safety and appearances. Of course it wasn’t like just making a decision suddenly lifted all this weight over my shoulders or cured my pain. No, but I had found the best way to distract my mind and heart from it. Whenever the wound started bleeding I’d go in search of near death experiences, or jump in front of the damn bullets in my next mission. And as it had become something I rather to do alone I stopped the sexual encounters with dangerous people, no need to go for a fight right after or even in the middle of sex, not anymore. 

-o-

It was all going fine, until that damn mission with Wufei. We were surrounded by rebels, mostly ex Oz soldiers who wanted to fuck up with this peace it took us so much to reach. They had gathered way more man and gun power than we had previously seen. It was a mission too big for only the two of us. At some point I heard Wufei grunt in pain and roll in the floor. It had been a simple scratch, but more enemies were coming from behind. I panicked, ok? I still could vividly remember all the images and thoughts that plagued my mind under that stupid drug barely a month before. I had set this internal barrier from all of them, but Wufei and I were still close, I knew he cared for me, and that did something funny in me. I was fucking terrified of him really caring for me at all. So before I could think of a better plan of accomplishing the same damn success I jumped in front of him, filled with rage and bitter regret for the times I couldn’t do the same in the past. I was just standing in front of Wufei, protecting him with my own body and shooting every damn bastard who dared approach us. I killed tons of them, so many I couldn’t even count. But it wasn’t gonna last forever. I was still. It took a bit, but eventually they realized no one could reach us with a front attack, not at the speed I was killing them, not when Wufei was already doing his own part, reaching for his gun and shit. 

A few soldiers climbed to the roof of the base, finding a spot where they could see me but I could not see them, and they shot one, two, three times. Searing pain almost blinded me. I could only be grateful they were lousy shooters or I was a goner. I think Wufei called my name. But between the physical pain and the rage I wasn’t really minding my surroundings anymore. I was full into battle mode. So, instead of answering to him I climbed my own way to that damn ceiling, and killed the fuckers before they had the chance to make any more harm. After that things got a bit blurry, but apparently I killed everyone. Well, at least they won’t be a threat anymore. My only explanation is that Shinigami, again, took a hold of me. Although I cannot fully understand why I don’t really remember what the hell happened. I came back to myself covered in blood half mine and half from my enemies, with Wufei shouting my name and calling for back up, a terrified expression in his eyes. 

I was taken straight to hospital and had to go through surgery. But right after there wasn’t much of a reason to keep me in there. It was going to be a kind of slow recovery and I could do it at home if I promised to be responsible. By then Preventers’ doctors knew we Gundam pilots could take care of ourselves. I was sent home with strict orders of staying still. I would need help for absolutely everything in the first week. I groaned internally to the mere notion. I didn’t want to rely, I hated it. Besides, it set a clear problem that was only a problem for me and thus I couldn’t expect Wufei and Quatre to consider it. They couldn’t take the complete week off to help me. I would have to ask/accept help from Heero and Trowa too. 


	2. Crisis and up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the previous chapter I forgot to say that I don't own the characters, the universe, the gundams and stuff. 
> 
> Also, I know I cut the story in a weird place, but that was as far as I could check the basics that day haha, sorry about that.

Just as I feared, the guys set a timetable to help me with whatever I needed. If I had been less of a proud asshole I would’ve called a day nurse or something. But I didn’t. After all, having someone I don’t know around all the time does something to my nerves. It bugged me quite quickly that Wufei wasn’t angry as he usually is when I do something reckless. In fact, he wasn’t talking to me about what happened in that mission at all. His sudden kindness to me triggered a series of conflicting emotions, but I was mostly hurt by it, because I couldn’t really accept his kindness or getting any closer. Besides I was starting to worry about what the hell I did or said that I couldn’t remember. Did he see Shinigami? Had I scared him? well, if that was the case… I couldn’t really regret it. He putting a barrier towards me, making some distance, was his best protection. As much as the process could pain me, after all, I had already made the decision to keep the real me protected from all of them anyway. 

Quatre, on the contrary, was damn hovering over me. He seemed scared to no end that I had been hurt. Well, I guess it hadn’t happened in too long. He had honestly tried to stop working for the whole damn week. But I could see that being around me hurt him. I could see the pain in his eyes whenever he looked at my wounds and thought about how close it had been. I was his best friend after all. So I had pushed him back to work, in charge of less strenuous caring so he didn’t have to see my wounds, so he wouldn’t see all the things I couldn’t do. Besides, I needed time alone. Firstly, because since that damn drug my head couldn’t stop running. Secondly, because I needed some distance to make sure the mask was where it had to be all the times I needed it. Thirdly, because I needed to make the effort to remember what the hell had I done in that damn mission that had Wufei acting that way with me. Fourthly, because my dark thoughts and the crippling pain to be around Heero and Trowa came back full force once I had no more distractions. 

It was driving me insane to have them around in my room, helping me dress and undress, shower and clean my wound. Heero’s hands travelling all over my body turned out to be way more painful than the healing bullet wounds. I could only be grateful Trowa seemed to be always around when Heero was taking care of me. It helped to avoid conversations I didn’t want to have, questions that I wouldn’t be able to answer, and to remind me how those hands ever so gentle meant nothing, nothing at all. 

To end this fucking helpless situation I pushed my body to recover and become autonomous as much as I could. This also took a bit of acting. Because walking, even though slowly, was damn painful. I could feel sweat all over my damn body the first times I tried to stand, using the moments everyone else was sleeping and thought I was sleeping too. I had almost passed out more times than I could count, sometimes I felt like I was ripping myself to shreds. I could only be grateful training had helped me to differentiate kinds of pain. That being my only certainty that I wasn’t making things worse in my haste. But I also discovered something else. When I was particularly bothered by having Heero and Trowa around, when it hurt more than usual, when I had had a nightmare, or I was having even darker thoughts; that pain distracted me. It softened somehow the impact of all my emotional scars. 

Now, if I thought the first week, bedridden and everything, was hell, well, I wasn’t thinking about the second and third weeks then. I was allowed to move around the house, but forbidden of leaving it, training, doing exercise and even driving my bike. But as I looked a bit better and the fear of my near death experience was starting to fade from the memory of the guys, I started to receive a nasty treatment I wasn’t prepared for. 

Whatever had concerned Wufei was fading, so he started acting angry with me, complaining about my inability to be a competent soldier with that ‘damn reckless behaviour of yours’ and hinting how I was more of a nuisance than anything else. It was a throwback to the war period. I didn’t like it. Quatre also gave me some sort of silent treatment after talking to Wufei about what the hell had happened. Apparently the asshole couldn’t tell me what the hell, but he could very much tell Quatre. As a consequence, my other friend in the house was acting as if I didn’t exist. Lovely, aren’t we a bit grown up for this shit? I started feeling quite lonely, and frustrated, because my recovery wasn’t going at the speed I wanted. I was still in hideous amounts of physical pain. Yet, at the same time, I kind of feared how I’d feel, emotionally I mean, once I didn’t have at least that distraction. Then, to make things even worse, Heero started being an asshole too. Whenever I happened to see him alone in the house, even if it was for a damn second on the way to my room, or when he walked to the door, or whatever, he would make some nasty remark about my stupidity, my inability, my unpreparedness… In summary, my lack of worth. As if I fucking needed to be reminded of that. Only Trowa kept being the same, a person who didn’t give a fuck about me either way. 

That Tuesday I was having a particularly crappy day. I had tried to exercise a bit, and had failed, falling to the ground, hitting hard and pulling some stitches. I could fix them on my own, and luckily no one was home to hear me cry out in pain when it happened. But this damage sent me at least two days back in my recovery. I’d have to take it slower, just when I wanted to make it faster. Then, I walked into the living room to find Heero and Trowa making out and talking shit about how they couldn’t wait to leave the damn house to have a place on their own, away from our shit. Cool, nice, thanks dude, I don’t enjoy living with any of you either. Yet, it hurt me that Heero wanted to be as far away from me as possible, and that Trowa thought that way about Quatre. I’m a fool, that’s for sure. So instead of going to the kitchen as I had initially planned, I went to the garage, where Wufei was working on his own bike.

‘What the hell are you doing here Maxwell?’

‘I’m bored, I came to check on my bike.’ 

‘You are useless as you are now. Get the hell back into the house and into your bed. That way you cannot be a nuisance for everybody else’, that stopped me cold. Useless was very much like disposable. So I was a nuisance for at least three out of four. Why the hell was I even bothering to be around? I had done this for Quatre who wasn’t even talking to me lately. ‘Maxwell, I said get the hell back to bed, you are a threat as you are now’, and that, finally, clicked something inside me. A threat, yeah, that’s what I had always been. Images flooded inside my head again, almost as if I had taken Alistair’s drug for a second time. I wanted the distance from the guys, this was a perfect chance, so why did it hurt so much? Hadn’t I learnt that I should stay away from people? I did as Wufei asked me, and I went back to my room. I closed the door. But the pain only seemed to grow. Why? What the hell was going on with me? I want this distance and now suddenly I feel all hurt about it? When had I been more than a threat to those around me? When had I been worth to have around? When…? I bit my lower lip until I tasted blood just to stop the agonizing cry that wanted to come out from the depths of my battered soul. I clutched at my chest and I missed like never before my near death experiences, being in the field, jumping to the sea. I wanted to feel that will to fight, that confidence, again in me. 

Unconsciously I started pressing my stitches, only noticing when the pain almost blinded me, which had me jerking my hand away. But then I realised that for a minute that agony hadn’t been so present. Could it really help? I fucking needed release, and the kind of release I needed I couldn’t get in there. I was trapped. Of course I couldn’t pull my stitches, I wanted to recover to go back to my normal life. What could I do in my room that no one would notice and wouldn’t mess with my already messed up body? I don’t know how the answer came to me, but before I could process it all I was in the bathroom, door locked, a razor in my hand. I wasn’t stupid enough as to cut my wrists. The guys may see. But the inside of my thighs… well, who would get to see that? Not even when you fuck people they pay attention to it. I took my clothes off and softly pressed the skin. I didn’t want to make real damage, just to test if it could really help me. Then, with a fast flick of my hand I made a cut in my skin. I felt calmer almost immediately. Even seeing those small red dots appear and a thin crimson line drip down was soothing somehow. I smiled then. I had my solution. I could wait for my recovery, I could resist the pain. It was only temporal. Once I was healthy again I would have my missions and my risky activities, I would have sex again, and I could even fucking move. No one wanted me there anyway. I made a second cut to dull the pain that went with that last thought. Yeah, I finally had my solution. 

-o-

Only a week after I had started walking around the house, I was cleared to leave it for walks and do desk work. Sure, not real physical activity. I wasn’t ready for sex of sports yet. But damn, that had been fast. Everyone was surprised, and I was damn glad to find out that controlling my emotions was so effective for everything else. It was like a damn superpower. You have so much time for everything else when you don’t have to feel. What is more, as I had stopped paying attention to how the others treated me I could just act normally with them. It left them out of balance and returned our dynamic to something more similar to our usual way, something I knew how to control, how to deal with. 

I started wondering then when I’d be ready to move out. When could I alter the dynamic that little bit more to make it normal for me to go. I didn’t want any confrontation, I wasn’t good at them. It all had to be carefully planned, I’ll have to increase the distance bit by bit each day. I knew now, looking at the lines of healing skin in my thighs that I could wait as long as it was needed to make the transition only natural. 

-o-

I felt something squeeze at my heart in trepidation. I had in my hands the security recordings of the base where I had gotten hurt. I could see now what Wufei had been hiding from me. I could have an explanation for this distance I was so ambivalent to, that I wanted and at the same time hurt me. But I don’t know why it made me feel… scared. I absently rubbed the inside of my thighs, feeling the pain of rubbing the tender cuts, calming my anxiety. Yeah, it’d be better not to watch this here, but at home, in my room. 

Once I got back home I locked myself in my room. The guys weren’t here anyway. Wufei had an alone mission and no fucking idea when he is coming back. Quatre was away on a business trip too. It was only me with Heero and Trowa that night, and they would be too busy fucking each other to mind me. They probably wouldn’t even notice I was home whenever they arrived. 

I used headphones, I didn’t want to make any sound. I wasn’t certain of what I was to find, but it was the recording of the final part of the mission anyway, once we were inside the base. I was pretty fucking certain I had used my gun quite a few times, and soldiers were damn good at recognised the sound of a gunshots. 

The first part of the video was pretty much as I remembered. I saw the bullet scratching Wufei, and felt something inside me tense in violent rage. I saw myself step forward, covering him, receiving the three hits, and I saw something change in me then. I received the impact as if it was nothing, my body didn’t even falter. Instead I took a second gun, with steady hands I took the life of everyone around us. I could see Wufei’s shocked expression behind me. So shocked he took his time to take his own gun and start helping, but by then there wasn’t much to help with. I left him in charge and I climbed the walls of the base, leaving a damn trail of blood and a fairly big pool of it in the floor beneath me. The guys in the roof were eliminated quickly, I barely spared them a glance. Instead I used my new advantage point to shoot more rounds without ever stopping. Wufei started calling for me then, the few enemies left surrendered, yet I didn’t stop. The few that tried to run away after realising I wasn’t stopping, well, I chased them. Wufei tried to grab me, but I only jerked my arm free and I went after my enemies. I only stopped when no one but Wufei and I were alive. I killed when it wasn’t necessary anymore, enemies who couldn’t really defend of my fury. I was so damn focused that I aggravated my wound quite a lot. It was more like I collapsed than me stopping. Only then my body showed the effect of having received the bullets. My blood was fucking everywhere. Only then I was able to hear Wufei’s voice, and I registered his shock when he went to pick my body from the floor and found me grinning at the sky, a grin so wide that it was a mixture of both the jester and Shinigami. I looked scary, deathly and fucking mad. I hadn’t given any signs of recognising Wufei at all, instead I had just passed out on him. 

Well shit. That hadn’t been pleasant to see. And I could understand Wufei’s attitude better. I had been the most dishonourable shit in the planet at that moment. I had been a proper murderer, killing just for the sake of it. The smile could have been understood as if I had enjoyed it. Though I think it was more about the peace that came with the thought I may have been dying. The thought was unsettling, but it made sense after all. Sometimes things felt like a bit too much, and that’s why I had been pushing myself to take greater risks, to find the joy in feeling alive. I guess at the moment, thinking about dying in a mission after taking the enemy and high in adrenaline; well, it was a suitable moment to die. No more pain, no more worries, no more doubts. A preventers’ hero. And coming from a street rat who always thought to die during the war, well, it was a huge improvement in my social status. 

No more secrets to hide… I stopped on that notion for a while. Was I really that exhausted about my double life? Not really, or at least not at the moment, I was pretty damn used to it. I cannot remember a time when I wasn’t pulling an act on someone. Sure, my acts had increased in length and quality over time, but it had been my own decision after all. No, I guess it was more about people discovering my acts. If I died I had the certainty all my secrets were protected. That Heero never knew about my feelings and what he did to me. That Quatre could never discover he had condemned me to live in pain when he asked to live together. That Wufei never found out how much I admire him and crave for his respect, his friendship, and how terrified I am of it and him finding out the shitty person I am. Well, I guess he got to discover some of that in that mission, didn’t he? And that’s why he doesn’t want to be around me anymore. Who would? A searing pain knocked the air out of me. I felt the urgency to leave the house, to take a ride on my bike, but it was still forbidden. God, but who the fuck would care? 

Silently, in case Heero and Trowa were back, I made my way to the garage. My baby was there, waiting for me, shining for me. I needed to get the hell away from this house. I jumped on my bike and I drove away full speed. The physical pain of doing so almost made me collapse, but that, together with everything else, I left behind just using the damn accelerator. 

I came back home by the next morning. I had been riding all night. My sore muscles hurt and I had pulled a couple of stitches that I had to fix on the way. But I felt better, way better. What was a bit of pain compared to my peace of mind? To this… control? Yeah, I run and I hide and damn, but it feels good. But my joy didn’t last all that much. Right when I opened the door and walked into the kitchen to grab something before going to my room, I was startled by Heero, who was leaning against the door frame as if waiting for me. I almost snorted to the notion. 

‘Where were you?’ Funny, he sounded kind of pissed. Maybe Trowa hadn’t given him what he wanted that morning? After all I hadn’t walked into their making out all over the house in the last couple of days. 

‘Just took a ride.’ 

‘You are not supposed to do that yet, at least not for another week.’

‘Well, I feel pretty well after that ride, so it didn’t do any harm. Besides, if I don’t test my condition I won’t know if I’m getting better or not. I was supposed to be bedridden for two more weeks, and look at me, already going to the office and all. No need to worry…’

‘I don’t worry!’ he snapped at me. I turned to him with a grin so big I thought I probably looked like the damn Joker. 

‘I know.’ That seemed to stop him cold, for once. 

‘Duo, where were you?’

‘I’m afraid it’s none of your business.’

‘It is if then I have to waste my time taking care of you.’

‘Oh, well, that won’t happen again. I wouldn’t want to be bothering you.’

‘Were you risking your recovery to go sleeping around as usual?’ I kept my grin firm in place, but my eyes glinted in a hate so strong that made him take a step back. Shinigami lied bare in my eyes for him to see. 

‘That, I’m afraid, is none of your business. It’s a part of my life that has nothing to do with you.’ I walked out of the room then. Food be damned. I was flaming pissed.

Who the fuck does he think he is? What right does he have to come and question me? He doesn’t care! What is his fucking intention? To rub in my face that I was used by him and now I’m being used and using everyone else? Well buddy, I have been used and using my whole fucking life! I don’t need you to rub it in my face. Does he intends to show that he has a ‘proper’ relationship and I’m nothing next to it? Like I was fucking oblivious! I will never have something like what he has with Trowa, and I know it, I don’t need the damn reminder. I don’t need any of it! I stormed into my room, locking the door on the way, and I hurried to the bathroom, locking that door too. Since when does he care at all about me? He said it himself, he doesn’t worry about me, I’m a pain in his life, a pain he still needs to deal with. Well, I’ll make sure he doesn’t need to take any of the fucking burden I fucking am ever again!

I came out of my rage fit just to find the floor of the shower covered in blood. What the hell? I looked down at my leg, dropping the razor with the surprise of finding I had made a cut so deep that I had managed to open my femoral artery. Oh shit. What had I just done? I started panicking, and only noticed when the speed and intensity of my breath brought pain to my exhausted and still damaged muscles. So, I forced my autocontrol to reing. It wasn’t the first time I had been seriously wounded, not the first time I had been at risk of bleeding to death. I had noticed in time. I could stop it. I had a med kit in my room after all. 

I worked fast and steady. I had regained my control after all. What’s more, I felt somehow more relaxed, stronger. As If I didn’t give a shit about a thing. Good. That’s just what I wanted. So I cured and closed the wound, stitching it myself. I was still so high in adrenaline for the whole experience that I barely felt the needle. Then I bandaged the wound tight, and focused on cleaning the mess in the shower. Luckily I had been inside when I did my stupidity trick. No one would ever find out. Good. That was good too. Once I was done I went the hell to sleep. I was exhausted.

-o-

A door pounding woke me up. With a groggy feeling I opened my eyes, realizing it was completely dark outside. Had I slept the whole day? Shit. I tried to stand, and I failed. I was damned dizzy, my head pounding, as if I had been drugged. I must have lost way more blood than I thought I had. 

‘Duo, open this damn door right now or I swear I will…’ 

‘It’s ok ‘Fei, I’m coming to open it. Chill!’

That was enough to stop the maddening pounding in the door. But my head kept echoing the sound for a bit longer. Yet I made it, and unlocked the door so he could come in. 

‘What the hell took you so long?’ He snapped at me.

‘I was sleeping. You kind of woke me up.’ I answered, not capable of being bothered by his anger. 

‘Didn’t you hear me calling you?’ He directed me a suspicious glance, I just shrugged. ‘Yuy told me you went out on your bike the whole damn night.’ 

‘Yes mum, I did just that’, he lifted an eyebrow to my tone of voice, implicating he wasn’t going to take any of my bullshit and I was better taking all of his. Just lovely. Only then I noticed Heero and Trowa’s door open. Great. 

‘What the hell were you thinking?’ 

‘I clearly wasn’t. Look Wufei, I accept I overdid it, or I wouldn’t be so fucking exhausted now. But I just went for a damn ride. I wanted to try and see how much I could take, but I’m not stupid, I won’t risk my recovery.’ 

‘Where did you go?’

‘To the beach.’ 

‘Why?’

‘Well, I couldn’t go clubbing, now could I? Wufei, what the hell is all this interrogation?’ 

‘Just assessing how damn stupid you are.’ 

‘Obviously way more than you or what you want me to be. I will be perfect for work tomorrow. Now get the hell out of my room.’

‘Maxwell…’

‘Get the hell out! I need to sleep some more.’ He seemed to really look at me just then, I saw him realise how pale I was. I could see the moment when his anger turned to something else, something I couldn’t understand properly. I just pushed him out of the room, taking only the extra time to glare murder at Heero. 

-o-

The next morning I was in the office even before Wufei left the house. The occasional touch between my thighs sent a wave of sweet pain through my body that helped me to stay focused, and every time my body seemed to be ready to falter I could find the energy to hide it. The Commander was greatly pleased to see me recovering so fast. She needed my success rate again, and I was more than willing to comply. 

The mood in the office was tense. Wufei kept casting glances at me, and I kept pretending I didn’t notice. Whenever he tried to say something I made sure to direct it to work matters. By the time to leave he seemed damn frustrated. I won’t deny it gave me some sort of secret pleasure to be so in control when he was obviously pissed. But there was little he could say. I had performed perfectly at work. Sure, I was still a bit pale, but not to the same worrying level I was the day before. It almost made me smile. Oh yeah, I was getting better at this. 

-o-

The wound in the leg healed just fine. No one ever noticed it existed. Not even the doctors when I went to my check ups in the hospital. I could only be glad for the location I had chosen for my relief. I was cleared for duty only two weeks after that. I was a medical miracle even for gundam pilots’ standards. It felt good. I felt invincible. 

The Commander was ecstatic with my official return. Apparently she had been waiting for me to complete one specific mission that required stealth and who the fuck know what else. I was sent to the field immediately. Was it just my luck that I was in the middle of a set up again? We had a fuking spy in preventers or something. The place was fucking crowded with enemies, almost all possible hiding spots were closed or controlled, and I would require a lot more time than expected, but also a lot more physical energy and ability of the one I had at the moment. Yeah, I had a piece of paper that said I was ready for duty again, and I may have acted like I was fucking ready. But I’m not an idiot. I managed three months recovery in one. Wanna know how did I do it? Easy, I let the wounds heal and then I learned how to deal with the fucking pain. I trained my body to resist and to work over it. After all, I was used to pain. So yeah, I was still hurting like if a car had hit me, and I was slightly stiff in the places I hadn’t been able to train without risking my wounds. How come the doctors let me come back then? I told you, I’m a damn fine actor. 

The challenge excited me though. I wanted to feel invincible again. If I could get into this mess and accomplish my mission then it’d mean I was good enough, at least as a preventer I was good enough. A good part of my identity and precarious self-stem was built over my soldier abilities. That’s why I felt so personally attacked when the guys criticised that part of me. I wasn’t many things, I wasn’t educated, a family guy, nor even a healthy one. But I was a good soldier, a good murderer, a good terrorist, and a good thief. That was all I had. 

So when things got tough I pushed myself. My dignity, the only thing I had managed to protect had to remain intact. Pain? I could take it, wounds? sure, whatever. Loss? I laughed on the face of that one. Familiar shit and all. I continued ahead. I was exhausted, but continued. I had to wait for hours hidden in a dark box, alone with my thoughts and a body that wanted to give up after all the strain, and continued anyway. I had to kill with my bare hands to avoid making any noise, and I used my knife over and over again, and let me tell you, you need strength, you need stamina, and for some damn reason I had none of it. But I continued. When the alarms went off I had already managed to steal the information I needed and sent it to the commander. By that time I had been fighting for about 15 straight hours. I had been hidden for two days before that, and I hadn’t eaten anything since at least one day before that. I had killed at least as many people as in my last mission, only that now I avoided the gun. 

Funny though, I noticed when I messaged the Commander with the info that she had discovered we had a spy in the institutions, and had ordered me to go back to HQ. Well, I told her I had read my message too late for that. Mission accomplished and shit. Now I only needed to find a way to leave this place, and then it’d be a successful mission even for Heero’s parameters. And why the hell was I thinking about him just now? 

I was very careful avoiding enemy bullets, I took the extra care to avoid me another recovery like the one I had just had. In some deep part inside me I knew it wasn’t a good idea to risk cutting my femoral artery again. I needed to find a way to finish this as safe as possible, to avoid any long recovery in that house, with Quatre’s silence, Wufei’s anger, Heero’s rejection, and Trowa’s disinterest. I almost laughed remembering those who I had come to wish became my family. Yeah, a pretty damn dysfunctional family, just like the one I would’ve had if I ever had one. 

No, I refused to go back to that situation again. Moreover, I had told Heero I wasn’t going to inconvenience him again forcing him to take care of someone he despised so much. That thought grabbed my heart so damn hard that it almost made me falter. But I managed to keep going. I wasn’t fucking weak. No matter what everyone thought, I wasn’t damned weak! 

I grinned like a crazy fucker when I reached my bike. My muscles were fucking trembling and my limbs barely answered to my demands, but I had done it. I had pulled this through against all damn odds. I was covered in enemy blood again, but it wasn’t mine. God, it wasn’t mine. I had managed the impossible. I started driving full speed both running from the few enemies alive, but also waiting for the feeling of victory to arrive. I should feel invincible. However I could only feel drained. What the hell? I dreaded to go back. What’s the honour in what I did? Would Wufei reject me again for all the people I had just killed? Would anyone value what my abilities could accomplish? Was even someone waiting for me back home? Only the Commander, and only for her damn success rates I guess. 

Hadn’t I just recovered in one fucking month and fought a huge mission? more enemies than I ever fought bare handed before? Enemies that knew I was coming? Why was I feeling so restless? So miserable? So small? I ran a hand over my face, surprised to notice it came back wet. Wet? What? Why? I noticed then my ragged breath. But boys don’t fucking cry… they don’t… god, they don’t. Desperation crawled over me, covering every inch of my body. I didn’t want this! I wanted to feel strong again! Why couldn’t I? Was it gone? the feeling? forever?... I was so damn tired of everything good leaving me forever… I closed my eyes, trying to contain the tears. I heard a sudden noise. Someone called my name. I felt pain, pain everywhere.

-o-

I could hear voices calling me, and damn but everything hurt, there was blood dripping from somewhere in my head, but I couldn’t figure out where the ground and where the sky were just yet. I groaned, regretting my bad habit of avoiding the damn helmet, though I knew fairly well why I did it. Once I was able to force my eyes open I found myself lying in between some rocks down the hill next to the road I was just driving. A painful movement of my head to my left showed me where my poor battered babe lied, a few meters down. 

‘Duo!!’ The voices were familiar, but the anguished frantic quality on them escaped to my understanding. I tried to force myself to sit down, and cried out in pain, but almost smiled when I succeeded. As I told you, I don’t care about pain. 

‘Duo, stop it!’ I ignored them. I had no idea what the fuck they were doing here anyway. I just kept trying. It was the only way I knew. I managed to stand before they got to me, noticing by then that the blood was coming from my forehead, I had hit it when I fell.

‘You idiot, what do you think you are doing?’ I suppressed the desire to flinch to the anger in that voice. What the fuck does he care? He already stated he doesn’t worry about me. 

‘Standing up?’ I managed to croak, glad to find the tears were gone. My voice was pained but steady. 

‘Let’s not do this here’, Wufei intervened, I almost laughed, do what? they can fucking criticise me everywhere. ‘The enemies may still be looking for him, he also needs medical attention.’ 

‘Is barely a small cut in the forehead, don’t go all dramatic about it.’ I turned from them to pick my bike and start my slow way up. The pain lacing from my ankle every time I gave a step up told me I had done some serious damage to it as well, fuck it, I’ll deal with it on my own, in my own flat, that’s why I have one after all. 

‘Don’t be an asshole, you are covered in blood.’ Wufei tried to stop me.

‘Not mine.’ I grumbled, and it seemed to stop Wufei cold, who directed me another of those glances of his that had me fucking avoiding him only a couple of weeks ago. 

The rest of the way up was silent. Heero tried to take my bike from me, but I growled at him and he let it go. I could deal with my own little self and my fucking messes. God but I was pissed with myself. I could’ve make it back in perfect state, but no, I had to go closing my eyes on the road and just when these two were here to see me. Once in the road I was surprised to see all the reinforcements I didn’t receive in the field. 

‘What the fuck?’ I whispered, asking no one. 

‘We were on our way to find you. The Commander found the spy and he was quick to give all the information he had once Une was with him for five minutes alone in a room. He told us the man and gun power they had. Duo… how? It was damn impossible, they were prepared for you.’ I shrugged, hiding the pain that almost had me wincing from it. 

‘Stealth is my thing. I just had to be a bit more patient. Also, I’m better at knife fights than with guns.’ 

‘Duo, those were… hundreds of men… all this blood?’ Wufei’s voice evidenced his shock, I could fucking feel his need to get the hell away from me.

‘Close fight is messy.’ I cut him.

‘You need to go to the ambulance.’ 

‘Before the accident just now I was fine.’ 

‘Then how?’

‘I guess my muscles were too tired. It was a bit much all that physical fight.’ He sighed. 

‘Go with Yuy to the ambulance, he’ll take you home. I’ll go to the site.’ 

‘Wufei, there’s no need…’ I tried to dissuade him, but it lacked strength.

‘Go!’ He snapped at me, leaving me stunned. He ran a hand through his hair and looked at me. His stare intense, as if ready to say something I wasn’t going to like but I needed to hear. But he stopped himself, only shaking his head and walking away. I was glad. Whatever it was, I didn’t want to hear it. Instead I let Heero grab me from the elbow and lead me to the ambulance, I was still kind of shocked by Wufei’s reaction. 

‘What are you doing here by the way? You aren’t a preventer.’ I asked conversationally. 

‘Wufei told us the situation. But Quatre was away and Trowa was busy.’ 

‘I see. Well, sorry he had to bother you, as you see there was no need to do so.’

‘Duo…’ He started, but whatever he intended to say was cut by the doctor who came running from the ambulance to check on me. Of course, as I had already mentioned, I had nothing more than a few scratches and the cut in the forehead. I had also twisted my ankle, but it wasn’t broken or anything like that. I needed to let it rest and it’d be fine. My cut was cleaned and cured and I was good to go. The doctor had to continue with the reinforcements to the enemy base and check on the survivors. I questioned myself if I had left any. In theory yes, because I was running from them when I hurried in my bike, but somehow I wasn’t so sure anymore. It didn’t really matter at this point. Right now my greatest concern was that my bike had to be taken to the mechanic and I had to go back home with Heero. I had needed his help at the end, and nope, it didn’t please me in the slightest. 

-o-

The trip was made in silence. Heero had never been one to fill the space with his talk, and I wasn’t in the mood to play charades. I had the excuse of having hit my head after all. Once we arrived I walked straight to my wallet and took the money of the gas it must have costed him to get there and bring me back. I handed it to him and saw him blink in astonishment. 

‘What…?’

‘The money for the gas. I’m sorry Wufei called you. I had told you I wouldn’t be bothering again, so it isn’t fair that I don’t do at least this for you.’ 

‘Duo, this is not needed.’ He said stunned, a confused look replacing his usually cold expression. 

‘It is. Take it.’

‘I won’t take it’, he growled. I shrugged and left it on the table. 

‘It is there and it is yours. I’m not taking it back. Thank you and again, I’m sorry. Next time you can just tell Wufei to fuck off.’ 

‘Duo, I’m not… I don’t care about that.’ It was odd, to see him so lost as to what to think or to say, 

‘Well, you sure seemed to care about how my life may disturb yours the other day. I have no intention in doing so again.’ 

‘That’s not… Duo, what the hell? Why are you acting like this?’ 

‘Like this how?’ He seemed to think about it for a bit, and suddenly changed his mind. I saw determination sink in. 

‘Why did you continue with that mission?’ His voice was fucking cold again, a damn interrogation, well, I could report just in the same way Yuy, watch me. 

‘I never saw Une’s message. Only after I had already retrieved the info and was in the middle of enemy territory.’ His eyes seemed to grow colder to my words. 

‘Didn’t it occur to you it was a stupid idea to continue? Didn’t you see all the enemies you had?’ Something in me recoiled to the word stupid, but I wouldn’t let him see. He wouldn’t get to me. 

‘Well, I pull it through, now didn’t I? In flying colours I may add. Not a single wound.’ 

‘Except a damn accident in your bike at the end of it. Very clean Duo, congratulations.’ I was getting pissed, I could feel it, god, I wanted to punch him but I had no damn physical capacity to do shit, if I tried I more likely would fall all over my face and dignity be gone. 

‘Sorry to disappoint, what can I do? We are both well aware I’m not fucking perfect!’ I could notice I was losing my temper, but couldn’t seem to find the strength to control myself. Who the fuck does he think he is? Who? If he hadn’t decided to break me, to play with me, to fucking ruin me… I wouldn’t be feeling like this, I wouldn’t be looking for something to replace that peace I had known for such a short span of time. 

‘What does that has to do with anything? Don’t you realise your neglect to assess your own status could have killed you?’ if you only knew what can kill me Yuy, what I have done already playing with death, that this is not my first accident. 

‘Oh please, a small cut in the head is suddenly a near death experience?’ 

‘Don’t try to justify how you messed up Duo.’ 

‘I’m not trying to do so, according to your standards I always do. So fuck it.’ My fists clenched. Damn but I was angry. I felt myself in the border of losing it, couldn’t he just stop? I needed to leave, to retreat to my room, I needed to get some distance from him. Yeah, a mission in flying colours and of course he hadn’t noticed, not only that, I was an idiot for doing so, ever lacking Duo Maxwell, you are fucking ever lacking. 

‘Well perhaps you should fucking learn to be less fucking reckless with your damn life and stop making a mess of the damn missions.’ To the word ‘mess’ something snapped in me, I was barely conscious of all the shit I threw at him then. 

‘I wouldn’t be doing it if it wasn’t for you, you bastard! Who do you think messed me up this badly, uh? I was doing just fine, if I’m a fucking mess and mess with everything around me is your fucking fault! Yours!’ He stilled, shocked I guess for me shouting at him, my voice sounded so obviously desperate that I doubted he would miss it. I needed to get the hell away, now! I didn’t give him a chance to stop me, I ran. I grabbed Quatre’s bike, jumped over it and left in full speed. I needed to leave, I needed to get the hell away from there, from him, from this pain he always makes me feel. 

-o-

I got to my flat, not even aware of the drive here. I guess a part of me knew I wasn’t in any conditions to go the the beach again. By the time I let my body fall in the couch my ankle was killing me. I remembered I had thought about coming to the flat earlier on, maybe that’s what had guided me here. I was glad though. Wufei was in that mission, and then he’d probably be debriefing or something, and he was the only one who knew my address. Good. If Heero so much as approached this building I’d go fucking insane…

My mental rambling stopped cold then, realizing what I had said to Heero before leaving the house. Oh god, oh god no. Lost in my rage I hadn’t been able to stop myself and I had blurted the truth, the truth I swore to hide? Why the hell can’t I do anything right? Why? No fucking way I’m ever going to that house again, or ever facing Heero, after this. What had I done? What?... Desperation crawled again, taking control, I felt like drowning, an oppressing force against my chest and anxiety eating me alive. God, I couldn’t properly breath. What had happened with the feeling I was looking for in that mission? Had I lost it forever? But I don’t want to feel like this anymore… waves of agony travelled all over my body, a pain I couldn’t cure, I couldn’t escape. How long since Heero left me for Trowa? And here I am, pinning for him. How pathetic is that? And then, if I ever see Trowa again, will he laugh at me when Heero tells him? Will Wufei despise me after seeing all the dead bodies in that enemy base? God, what the hell am I doing?¡?¡ I couldn’t stay still, my hands moved all over the place, trying to find something to do, something to distract me. Why? Why had he made me believe he loved me? Why had he left me? Why had he to remind me I worth nothing? Why was I living with people who despised me? No one cares, no one fucking cares. Oh god, but I wanted to stop feeling like this, no more, please no more. It hurts just too much. Yes, I’m good with pain, but this pain… this, I had never felt before… no more, no more, no more, no more, no more…

A wave of calm ran through my body, allowing me to breath again. Suddenly I felt in control again, tired, but less lost. Good. I was even smiling. Smile, how long since the last time I did so? I cannot even remember. My breathing, at an insanely fast speed just a few minutes earlier, was now shallow, relaxed. I felt like falling asleep. I felt… better. Safe. After all, no one would know who I really was, what my life had been like, what Heero had done to me. My dignity had been mostly protected, and this last damage at the end didn’t really matter anymore. I wouldn’t be seeing the consequences after all. I wouldn’t be seeing anymore of it at all. It was… pleasant. I could give up, I deserved it after all. I had tried so hard and accomplished nothing. I had looked for that feeling over and over again, and it had always eluded me. 

I was tired, my head too tired to keep holding its position, I let it fall to my chest, blinking to the sight of all that blood. Had I forgotten to change clothes? Yeah… I had. But this looked like fresh blood. I could smell it. I blinked again, awareness downing on me. My mind stopped all its rambling, I was stunned. Had I done it? Had I gone and done it… again? The razor fell from my hand then, too weak to keep holding it. It made a sound against the floor. I had cut my artery again, but this time I didn’t have it in me to do anything to stop the bleeding. It was fine, it had been enough. Enough. 

I was on the verge of passing out. My vision was blurry, my limbs were too heavy, noises were distant and echo-y. I felt something out there. Someone knocking a door. I hoped it wasn’t for me, but even if it was, I think it was too late already, and I couldn’t regret it. My eyes closed. I felt a distant thud. My head fell on the floor, over the blood. I heard some distant steps. Someone cried out my name, but I was too far gone to answer. 

-o-

My eyelids felt heavy. I was disoriented. I could hear the machines beeping around me, so I knew I was in a hospital, but why? God, I tried to think, but the effort made me wince. 

‘Duo?’ A soft voice whispered my name, there was so much affection on it that I was certain I had gone crazy. I tried to open my eyes. Better to face reality once and for all. Postponing it wouldn’t make it any better. After a couple of blinks I managed to focus the world around me, surprised to find a pale Heero, and a pale Wufei in the room. 

‘What the hell happened?’ I managed to whisper, and felt the room still a bit. 

‘You don’t remember?’

‘I cannot think straight, much less remember anything. Why does my head hurt so much?’

‘Blood loss. Duo…’ the seriousness in Wufei’s voice made me look. ‘You… you tried to kill yourself’, he said, voice unsteady. I flinched to the flashback of a pain way too real and overwhelming. I remembered the blood then. Though I don’t remember when I walked to the bathroom, found the razor and made the cut; but it hardly mattered anyway. ‘Shh, it’s ok, everything it’s ok.’ He tried to soothe. I started laughing. 

‘Sorry ‘Fei, but that’s a hilarious notion. I just tried to kill myself, I don’t think that quite goes with ‘everything it’s ok’. You need to learn to deliver your lines properly’, he flinched then, and somewhere inside I registered my words may have hurt him. ‘Fei?’

‘I’m… I’m sorry Duo, I really suck at this.’ 

‘Hey, it’s not your fault’, now I was doing the soothing, he noticed and the saddest smile I’ve ever seen expanded in his face. 

‘Don’t spare me. I’m well aware I have some fault in it, in all of it. God Duo, why couldn’t you say something?’ 

‘About?’

‘I saw the marks in your thighs. I saw the other cut, almost as deep as this one that almost killed you. You treated that one though. The doctors were also able to tell us the scars started about the time you were recovering from our last mission. Duo, I saw you in that mission. I noticed something was wrong, but I…’

‘Wait’, he stopped immediately. ‘what do you mean?’ 

‘Duo, you smiled… after those bullets had hit you, and you eliminated the threat, you really smiled… and you said, you whispered: ‘finally’. When I tried to reach to you, to bring you out of that… state of mind you were in, you looked at me but you weren’t really seeing me, and you said then ‘Now they cannot hurt you anymore’. Duo you covered me in a way that was not according to training. You took the hits when there were at least five ways to avoid them. You were… almost happy to have been hit. Did you, did you wanted to die already back then?’ his voice was trembling at the end, unsure of his words, his memories, his thoughts. Heero was silent in a corner, avoiding my eyes. 

‘I don’t know ‘Fei. I only know I couldn’t let them kill you… and then I don’t really remember. I had to watch it in the base footage, because you wouldn’t talk to me about it.’ He seemed to stiff at my comment. 

‘God, I’m so sorry, oh Duo, I’m so sorry. I was not mad at you, I was not… shocked by what you did, or judging you, or whatever. I was mad at me! At me for letting you fight alone, for freezing in shock, because that’s when you got hurt. You were so damn effective. I hadn’t seen you like that, ever. I had always misjudged your abilities, your focus. Damn, I knew you were good, but I never let you see it, and then I failed you and I…’

‘Hey, it’s ok, I understand. Wufei it is not your fault’, I was trying to make him understand it was ok, that I wasn’t blaming him at all, but I only seemed to upset him. He gave me a weird look, and excused himself, leaving me alone with Heero. 

‘I have been telling him it isn’t his fault for the last couple of days’, he whispered. 

‘He is quite stubborn, it will take a while to make him understand…’

‘Is it… is it mine?’ His broken voice stunned me, and I turned to face him. His eyes, ever so pained, stared firmly at mine. I thought about it. I really did. Lying, after all, is not amongst the things I do. 

‘No, It is not’, I answered finally. I noticed then he had stopped breathing. ‘You did what you thought best. Not your fault I was dealing with a lot of shit and I got things messed up in my head. 

‘Duo I don’t… I didn’t… it wasn’t what I thought it was best. I was running. I was frustrated. I was trying to do what you told me to do. I was… god, I was being an asshole.’ 

‘What do you mean?’

‘Duo, I love you’, the world froze, and something inside me… broke. Why was he doing this to me now? ‘No Duo, hear me out, please, I beg you. I love you, always have, only you’, I started hyperventilating, clutching at my chest trying to stop the pain somehow. Heero didn’t seem to know what to do with himself, but damn I couldn’t help him right then. ‘Duo, Trowa and I’, I flinched. ‘You told me to leave you alone, to get the fuck away from your life. You pushed me away with a strength I had never seen before after I self-detonated. I had never seen you quite out of yourself as then’, I blinked at him. I couldn’t remember that, but I remembered the pain of thinking I was going to lose him to my curse. ‘So I left, because you asked me to. Then, then I got frustrated because you kept running to other people, leaving me behind, running away from me, and it hurt me! And I had no idea of what to do with that. I felt I didn’t deserve you, to love you, for you to love me back, but I tried anyway and it wasn’t working, and why would it? Why the hell would you ever love me back? And then Trowa and I talked and he was in love with Quatre and it was the same thing. Quatre had told him to leave, and Trowa was certain he didn’t deserved Quatre’s love. So we tried, we tried to get over it together, to satisfy certain needs, to learn, to grow… god, even to see if you would care at all. But you didn’t…’ 

‘What are you trying to say…’ I managed to choke out, sounding so pained it made me shudder.

‘That I love you, always have. Trowa knows and we…’

‘You are with him now.’ I cut him.

‘No, not anymore. Quatre sent you a message when you were in that mission. Trowa happened to see your phone and read the message. It was on the table, shining. Quatre had gone clubbing to the place you recommended in L4, he had met someone, they had a ‘fun night’ or something like that. Trowa went crazy. He left in the next shuttle to L4.’ 

‘Well, isn’t that hypocritical.’ I muttered, anger replacing pain for an instant. 

‘It is. We know it is. We know we fucked up. God, if we had been smarter… if I had noticed what I was doing to you. God Duo, I swear to you I never knew. I was so angry to feel this way and you not giving a damn about it, enjoying with someone else because you could never feel the same way about me… I missed you so badly…’

‘Wait, Heero, I don’t… I don’t understand. You don’t love Trowa?’ I stopped him, too confused about what the hell he was really trying to convey in here. 

‘No, we are just good friends, with benefits yeah, but nothing else. I have never said that I love him, he has never loved me either. We were just… conforming with what we thought we could get as we both didn’t deserve the love of those we loved.’

‘That’s…’ 

‘Fucked up, I know, I know now.’ My head was a mess again. I couldn’t follow his logic. Had I pushed him away? yes, tons of times. Why had it worked then? I guess I had been extra panicked when he almost died. Given my life history, well, I wouldn’t take it too well. But still, what the hell is wrong with him? And here I was, thinking he was damn smart… I stopped myself cold. I was getting angry again. There was no point for that. I remembered then that thought I had had months ago, that we are in fact so damn young, but we tend to forget how much for all we have lived. We are just dumb adolescents after all I guess. But still…

‘I’m sorry Trowa left.’ 

‘I don’t care. He is just a good friend, and he will keep being so, if he can make Quatre understand.’ 

‘But Heero, don’t you see it doesn’t solve anything? Getting together again won’t take away the pain, the feeling of betrayal, the lost months. I could never trust you again. Fuck, I don’t trust me. I…’

‘Is it… too late? Did I screw up that badly?’ It was the broken anguished quality of his voice what made me look at him, really look at him. I think that was the first time I can say Heero Yuy was a mess. His eyes were shining with… oh fuck, with tears, tears that started falling and he did nothing to hide or to stop. I was shocked. I wanted to believe in him so badly, I wanted to believe I was more of what I was, that I deserved this, that he wouldn’t leave me or die on me, and that I was right and there was so much more behind the soldier in him. 

‘How..’ I started.

‘I’ll prove it to you. I’ll regain that trust, I don’t care if I need years, I won’t be this weak again. Not ever. But Duo please, please, just… talk to me. I don’t ask you to love me back, just talk to me, don’t let yourself fall so deep. I’m here, I have always been here…’ And I felt it then, the hot water rolling down my face. And I was crying too. And once I started I couldn’t seem to stop. Suddenly I was sobbing brokenly and Heero was hugging me, trying to hold all of me. And I let him because I was too damn tired to keep fighting to hold myself in one piece. He repeated he was with me, he was never leaving me, he was going to prove he loved me over and over again, until I fell asleep. And I wished, I really wished I could believe him, and we could make it work. 

-o-

The next time I woke up Quatre and Trowa were in the room. Quatre’s eyes were red rimmed but Trowa was a strong presence next to him. For the first time in months he seemed to care about everything around him. It made me wonder if I was the only good actor in the house. Though, with the final failure of my act, was I really that good at all? I frowned to the notion.

‘Duo?’ Quatre’s hesitant voice brought me back. I blinked at him. And it was all it took for him to hug me as if there was no tomorrow. I could feel his hot tears against my skin, and I felt really bad for making him feel that way. 

‘I’m sorry Quat, that was a very stupid thing to do.’ He shook his head.

‘No, I mean, yeah, but I understand it somehow. I just wish I had been less blind. You put your everything to take care of me, to support me, and when I felt hurt I just turned my back on you, just for selfish reasons… I wanted to be over it, and…’

‘It’s ok, it’s ok Quat, it is not your fault. You know me, I ran away, I took my running away a bit too far this time, that’s all…’ I tried to joke, he didn’t seem to find the fun on it though, and started sobbing again. I looked past him to Trowa, who was giving me the most conflicted look I’ve ever seen. I realised then he cared about me, but he had created that distance because of what he was doing with Heero, perhaps knowing how it could feel? He mouthed an apology then, and I could see he was putting all of his heart on it. What a complicated bunch of assholes we turned out to be, I guess. But I forgave him, because he hadn’t meant to hurt me, because he had hurt himself in the process as well, because he’d been stupid but god, we are still young, we had no models when growing up. I could understand it. It wasn’t right, but I could understand it. 

-o-

Quatre and Trowa talked a lot in L4, I learned that later from Quatre. Trowa had been fucking desperate, he explained everything to Quatre, his fears, his feelings, his mess. Quatre said they could try something, but he needed a hundred percent honestly all the freaking time, because he wasn’t going to live his life fearing and doubting. I think Trowa decided to tell him his whole life story. They had gotten together shortly after that. It was a tentative effort, but he looked happier than in a long time. 

I was discharged from the hospital soon after I woke up too. But only under the condition someone would be with me at all times in the house. I was, after all, in suicide watch. Just lovely. Wufei and Heero had both volunteered. Quatre and Trowa had done the same, but I didn’t want to put any more strain in their relationship. 

I won’t say it was all fine after that. I had good and bad days. Sometimes, when I thought of all the time lost, of all the pain, I’d get quite frustrated and depressed. But the guys were there to shake the mood away. Heero honestly did his best to show me he loved me. He was fully honest about his feelings and thoughts too. Some of them hurt me too. I know I hurt him when I told him I couldn’t be as honest as he was. I hide, that’s what I do, and talking about my past is not something I’ve ever done before. I was permanently divided between sharing and hiding. But he came to accept it, and I came to accept he loved me, that it was true, and that we both felt so stupidly undeserving that we were both probably quite deserving of each other at the end, and he was strong, so strong. Eventually, we decided to give it a try, and he moved to my room, and Trowa moved to Quatre’s room, and I didn’t feel like moving out so much anymore. I couldn’t talk about my past, but at least, I could try and share my present. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story was something I wrote a long time ago playing with ideas and experiences. This do not suggest that Duo's way of handling the situation was appropriate, as it did more harm than good and evidenced underlying issues that had him struggling. If you ever feel that way and that harming yourself is the only way of accomplishing some level of control or peace, please do look for help and support. I know sometimes things seem very hard and impossible to overcome, or that when we are in the middle of a lot of shit we cannot see more options or a way out, a capable and trained outsider can help a lot in those circumstances. The process to find and accept those other options may take a while, and may be hard work, but it will be worth it for the mental peace, strength and well-being it will bring.


End file.
